The DragonFly Project

I became obsessed with dragonflies in the spring of 2023. I sensed the turn my life was taking, and was desperately grasping for footholds and anchors so I didn't get completely lost in the melee. I began looking for meaning and direction - something to prove to myself that my life had value. I needed it all to mean something. Otherwise, what was the point of all this pain and chaos? I started googling the historical, spritual and cultural meanings of things I would notice or think of. Most of it was within the realm of transformation, rebirth, strength, bravery. And yet, it all felt "off." I wasn't strong. I wasn't reborn. I was no glorious phoenix rising from the ashes. I was fragile - with a desperate desire to be a strong survivor and no idea how to be one.

It was around this time that I began noticing dragonflies everywhere. E.V.E.R.Y.W.H.E.R.E. And one day, without any prompting, my son brought up a perfectly preserved, deceased dragonfly. It was beautiful. It's blue body, it's perfect, irradescent wings. My eyes immediately filled with tears as I hugged my precious boy and thanked him for the treasure. His words will never leave my heart - "I know you love dragonlfies, mommy. I'm sorry he died, but I thought you'd like to have him."

"How did you know I love dragonflies?" I asked him. I was sure I'd never mentioned my growing fascination with them. "I don't know," he said. "You just like them."

I googled them again that day, and I'll always hold their significance dearly.

Here's what I found:

Dragonflies are symbols of Love, Growth, Adaptability, Hope, Rebirth, Transformation, New Development, Self Maturity, Change. "They are the keeper of dreams, the energy within that sees all of our true potential and ability. Dragonflies inspire spirituality and creativity, they help us on the path to discovery and enlightenment. They remind us that anything is possible."

"The dragonfly, having flown for 300 million years on earth, symbolize our ability to overcome times of hardship. They remind us to take time to reconnect with our own strength, courage and happiness."

They remind us of who we really are.

My year of intensive breaking and healing - mind, body and soul - was preceded by over a decade of misguided attempts to solve the problem my soul could feel, but my mind couldn't name. I learned that healing was akin to renovating a great cathedral. It is sacred work. Some things have to be carefully removed, other things recovered or remade and replaced. Skills have to be learned and tested. The attention to details is exhausting and the time required is immense. In some ways it felt like Ser Jorah having his greyscale removed. Painful, overwhelming, uncertain - all the while trying to be silent for the protection of others - and yet, successful.

I felt overwhelmed and chaotic all of the time. My soul was suffocating, my family was suffering, I was lost and had no idea why or what to do. And it seemed like all of my efforts only made things worse. And yet, little by little, I learned to climb my own metaphorical Everest. I started gaining traction, making better decision, and I watched in open-mouthed shock as my life truly started to transform.

The most valuable things in the world are also the most costly. The wisdom, the understanding, the purpose that I walked away from 2023 with is the most costly thing I have ever possessed. It cost me my sanity, my family as I knew it, and very nearly - my life. And yet, I have recovered all of those and more a hundred times over. Maybe that's why I feel such a strong desire to share.

I don't want to keep the understanding of HOW I transformed my life to myself. I know I can't be the only one that has found themselves simultaneously overwhelmed by the chaos around them and underwhelmed by the legacy they are leaving, and ultimately desperate for change.

The truth is, you are the only one that can save you. It has to be your choice, your determination, your diligence. But, you CAN save yourself. You CAN change everything for yourself and, by extension, your family, your community, all those who hold meaning for you. And, hopefully, something in these blog posts will help you get started and keep going.

Here's to life. Here's to purpose. Here's to you.